New Thing #32 - I'm Just Not That Into Him

So this week I've been incredibly sick. I mean, I've had everything under the sun and missed 4 out of 5 days of work. And that 5th day, I was practically sleeping the whole time, so I can't vouch for my productivity. Needless to say, my original plan for a new thing this week (indoor rock climbing) went right out the door when I barely had enough energy to open my bottles of Gatorade. Instead, I've decided to try my hand at writing a book. About all the crazy mo-fo's I've managed to date since college.

My friends and I have talked about writing a book together for years. We just never get around to it. But, after every bad date, the idea bubbles to the surface again. If you've ever gone out on a bad date, you know what I'm talking about. You tell your friends all about it, they roll their eyes and say "wow, you should write a book." Yeah, that happens to me a lot. I don't like to think about the fact that I chose to go out with these men.

Essentially, this book will not be for public purchase. It's just a collection of some hilarious, some sad and some painful experiences that I will forever remember. I mean, you can't get anywhere without knowing where you've been, right? And I've been in some jacked up places. ;-) I know that my book wouldn't be that long, but combined with the experiences of most of my close friends, we could make one high-quality read. There will be chapters solely dedicated to one particular date (the really juicy ones), chapters with smaller anecdotes sprinkled in, and then the occasional bad pick up lines we've all invariably encountered. I've actually given this book quite a bit of thought, even though I've never made the attempt to start it.

My first order of business was to try to write down every guy I've gone out with since college. It's a lot more difficult than you'd think, b/c I wanted to try to remember even some guy I met for 20 minutes and then ditched. I met a lot of guys online, and while some of them worked for awhile, most of them didn't. I saved some of their e-mails in a file, because you just never know when they might come in handy again. So, for the most part, listing those guys was easy. The rest were a bit harder, and thanks to my friends, I think I have them all accounted for. Hopefully.

Now, writing a book can't be done in a week, so no, I'm not finished with it yet. But, I do have a few anecdotes I've decided to share. I figured that even though these guys weren't for me, I should still respect them and not use their real names. Instead, I've given them all nicknames based on my interaction with them. So, enjoy some of my failed relationship attempts. ;-) I'll elaborate the stories in the book, but for now, here are the cliff-note versions.

#1 - The Stalker
The Stalker asked me out a month or so after I interviewed him for an assistant position, by e-mailing me at work because he didn't want to explain to the receptionist why he needed to talk to me. I honestly couldn't even remember who he was until I saw him again. He got pretty clingy right away, tried to hold my hand within the first hour of the date...and thus made me walk over flower beds to try to get away from his wandering hand. He tried to give me a kiss at the end of the trainwreck date, and e-mailed me about 30 minutes after our date to say how he had a great time and would love to take me out to Lonestar sometime. (I had told him I liked Texas Roadhouse.) I thought my standoffish behavior would turn him off, but apparently he needed a more blunt route. I told him thank you, but there would not be another date. I didn't feel a connection. He responded by saying he didn't think there was a connection either...

#2 - The Toepicker
I thought Toepicker had potential, he was a fireman after all. However, what I found out later was that he was a 30+ year old still living with his mother. And he thought it would be a good idea to take my leftover salad home to her. Granted, I didn't want it, but that's just wrong. He had also broken his foot a few weeks before our date, so he had to prop his leg up during the meal. This didn't bother me. What did bother me is when he leaned over to pick the dirt off his exposed toes while we were waiting for the check. And then decided to comment on how dirty and gross his toes were. Uh, yeah, buddy, I can see that. CHECK PLEASE! And he wonders why I never called him.

#3 - The Hunky Bricklayer
The Hunky Bricklayer was, for lack of a better word, hot. We met at a dance club one night and went out a few times after that. I was 26. He was 21. Did I mention he was hot? But, unfortunately, not the brightest bulb in the box. He didn't always understand my sarcasm. I didn't want to hold that against him, but the final straw was the Eiffel Tower incident. I had a small Eiffel Tower statue in my living room, and when he saw it, he asked what it was. I said "it's the Eiffel Tower." His response? "What's that?" I didn't really know how to respond, so I said "you know, it's in Paris." Hunky Bricklayer's response was "you have that in your hometown?"....At least he was pretty.

#4 - Gift Card
I met Gift Card online and we agreed to meet for lunch after he coached a kid's indoor soccer game. Awww, you say. Well, yes, it was cool to see a guy coaching these little kids, I will admit that. He wouldn't tell me where we were going for lunch, but he knew I loved Italian food. I was expecting a cozy little restaurant on the Hill (St. Louis's Italian neighborhood full of yummy restaurants). Nope. We went to Pasta House. Don't get me wrong, I love Pasta House. I didn't have a problem with that. He was just talking about lunch with so much excitement you would have thought he was going to fly me straight to Italy. I found out why when the check came and he whipped out his gift cards to cover the meal. His excitement grew when he told me he had made a sweet deal and traded his Sears gift cards with a coworker for these. Score. Oh yeah, guess who had to pay for the tip. Yours truly.

#5 - Moneybags
Moneybags was a bit over my age limit, but he seemed normal. And I had no clue about the moneybags part until we went to dinner and he proceeded to tell me all about his ex. And how he was paying all of her bills because she had dropped out of school and couldn't pay her rent. But, he didn't mind, he liked taking care of women. Blech. Gag me. Had I not been in the middle of one of my favorite meals at my favorite restaurant I would have walked out. But that damn cinnamon butter was calling my name. The check came and he proceeded to pull out a wad-o-cash, thumbing through the big bills right in front of me. I half expected him to ask the waitress to cash a hundred for our $35 meal. Instead he just whipped out at a $50 and told her to keep the change. He winked at me and asked if I was ready to get outta there. I said, yeah, by myself.

#6 - Hardees
Hardees is named so because he actually works at Hardees. But, no, I never went out with him. Let me be clear about that. I did NOT go out with this guy. His pick up techniques were too funny not to include. There is a Hardees by work that I frequent on a very rare basis. Basically, only if I'm completely out of every other breakfast food in my house and I haven't made it to the grocery store. The first time I encountered Hardees I was in the drive thru waiting for my food, and he stuck his head out the drive thru window, looked my car (yes, my CAR), up and down, front to back, and asked if I had a boyfriend. I said yes (I didn't), and he responded by saying "that's a shame, because I would love to date you or your car." Um, ew. That's just weird. How do you even respond to that? I didn't have my food yet, so I was afraid he might spit in it if I laughed at him. So, I just stared at him. He asked if he could buy my car, and I told him no. I told my friends about the incident and they insisted he was hitting on me. Whatever. I forgot about it until months later when I went back to the same Hardees for breakfast. This time, the same guy was working the drive thru and his response to me was "Daaaaaamn........I like your sunglasses. Can I have them?" "No, you can't have my sunglasses." We proceeded to argue for a few minutes until he asked me again if I had a boyfriend. When I said yes, he asked if I was just saying that to throw him off or if I really did have a boyfriend. I told him I really had a boyfriend (it was just a little white lie) and he stormed off and someone else brought me my food.

#7 - Nervous Hangover
I met Nervous Hangover online and met him shortly after we exchanged e-mails. We again met for lunch, where I proceeded to pack away more food than he did. I probably could have broken him in half, he was so skinny. When I asked if he was all right, he said he had been out drinking the night before with his boss and was pretty hungover. I should mention our date was on a week day. So, I tried to steer the conversation in a few different directions to try to get something out of him, and it was like pulling teeth. I don't know if he was just trying to keep his food down, he was nervous or just plain shy. I didn't really care.

Okay, that's all I've had time to really work on this week. But, I hope you enjoyed some of the lovely specimens I've come across in my life. :)